Pyramids

As they looked down on the planet below them, the Captain was trying to remember the last time they’d been here.

‘So, this is Earth, is it? I seem to recall they were a bit primitive. Any news on whether they’ve developed at all?’

The First Mate stood next to him, with a clipboard in his hand.

‘Reports suggest they have moved on a little, sir. The population has increased to seven billion, with over two hundred separate nations. They now have electricity, indoor plumbing and nuclear fusion. A small amount of space travel, but they haven’t reached any further than their own moon.’

‘Ah well, it’s a start. I remember we built them those pyramid things last time. Completely pointless, but they liked them. I wonder what they used them for. And seven billion people all living together must mean they all get along well.’

***

‘OK. Run that past me again. What exactly is a hamburger?’ asked the Captain.

They were back on board the spacecraft, after a week of touring the planet in disguise.

‘They take the flesh of a cow, grind it up into small pieces, then stick it back together again, cook it and place it between two slices of bread.’

‘And the Big Mac is the finest example of this, is it?’

‘Judging by the numbers that are sold, I would say yes, sir. Although I did try some much finer versions.’

‘And did they all have that strange, round green thing in them?’

‘The “pickle” or “gherkin”? Not all, no, sir.’

‘Does anyone actually eat those things? I saw most people take them out and leave them on the side. A most strange flavour, I must say.’

‘Opinion seems to be divided, sir.’

‘Anyway, there were much better things to eat. And I must say, the “Internet” was a fun thing to see. It’s just a shame that the main use for it is looking at photos and videos of people performing acts of sexual reproduction.’

‘Indeed, sir. There seems to have been some great advances since we were last there, but their base instincts are still very much to the fore.’

‘A good observation, Number One. I couldn’t help noticing that they have mastered nuclear fusion, and as soon as they do, they use it as a weapon for mass-destruction. It’s all very sad, really. And tell me, please, what on Earth happened to the pyramids we helped them to build? All that time and effort and what do they do? Use them as tombs. Why? I thought they were going to use them for storage, or maybe a nice palace. Even a shopping mall would have been preferable to sealing them up for thousands of years. What a waste of time that was. I wish we’d never bothered.’

‘I understand, sir. It does seem a little pointless. Perhaps if we’d put some windows in, that might have helped. Do you think maybe we should have left them something more useful, like the internal combustion engine, or calculus?’

‘No, I don’t think so. It’s quite clear that whatever technology or intelligence we might have left them at the time would have been wasted. They can hardly cope with what they’ve got now.’

‘Indeed, sir.’